Family Home Rules Contract Template

ADVERTISEMENT
Scriptures and Scriptural Thoughts on Discipline
First, let's look at what biblical love is not:
It is not love to raise a child who lacks self-discipline and is controlled by his or her desires, whether for
attention, food, material demands and entertainment, or seeking to gain something for nothing.
It is not love to allow a child to shrug off responsibility for his own actions and not to accept the
consequences of those actions. Nor is it love to allow your child to manipulate, control, or justify his or her
disobedience.
It is not love to carelessly or intentionally provoke anger in your children. "Fathers, do not exasperate your
children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
Now let's look at what biblical love is and the proper way to train and discipline a child:
Love is actively training and teaching our children - diligently (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)! Put consistent and
loving effort into being an active parent, daily.
Love is providing for your children's physical needs. (2 Corinthians 12:14)
Love is applying faithful discipline (Proverbs 23:24; 29:17). Discipline with consistency.
Love does involve the promotion of biblical teaching to your children early (Psalm 34:11). The best
teachings are by example. Children imitate what they see more than they do what they're told.
Follow God's pattern as He disciplines us for our own good (Hebrews 12:5-11). Be steadfast in correction,
yet giving encouragement and praise where it is due.
Scriptures on Discipline:
If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and
not true sons. (Hebrews 12:8)
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou
shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. ( Proverbs 23:13-14)
Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he
wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:17-18)
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. (Proverbs
29:15)
Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being. (Proverbs 20:30)
Blessed is the man you discipline, 0 LORD, the man you teach from your law. (Psalm 94:12)
We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more
should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! (Hebrews 12:9)
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines for our good, that
we may share in his holiness. (Hebrews 12:10)
Scriptures and Scriptural Thoughts on Discipline
First, let's look at what biblical love is not:
It is not love to raise a child who lacks self-discipline and is controlled by his or her desires, whether for
attention, food, material demands and entertainment, or seeking to gain something for nothing.
It is not love to allow a child to shrug off responsibility for his own actions and not to accept the
consequences of those actions. Nor is it love to allow your child to manipulate, control, or justify his or her
disobedience.
It is not love to carelessly or intentionally provoke anger in your children. "Fathers, do not exasperate your
children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
Now let's look at what biblical love is and the proper way to train and discipline a child:
Love is actively training and teaching our children - diligently (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)! Put consistent and
loving effort into being an active parent, daily.
Love is providing for your children's physical needs. (2 Corinthians 12:14)
Love is applying faithful discipline (Proverbs 23:24; 29:17). Discipline with consistency.
Love does involve the promotion of biblical teaching to your children early (Psalm 34:11). The best
teachings are by example. Children imitate what they see more than they do what they're told.
Follow God's pattern as He disciplines us for our own good (Hebrews 12:5-11). Be steadfast in correction,
yet giving encouragement and praise where it is due.
Scriptures on Discipline:
If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and
not true sons. (Hebrews 12:8)
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15)
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou
shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. ( Proverbs 23:13-14)
Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. For he
wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:17-18)
The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. (Proverbs
29:15)
Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being. (Proverbs 20:30)
Blessed is the man you discipline, 0 LORD, the man you teach from your law. (Psalm 94:12)
We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more
should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! (Hebrews 12:9)
Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines for our good, that
we may share in his holiness. (Hebrews 12:10)
~ Dare To Discipline ~
Adapted from Dr. James Dobson’s book.
1. Developing respect for parents is the critical factor in child management.
• This respect will be important for his future outlook on school authorities, law enforcement
officers, employers, and others they live and work with.
• Most corporal punishment should be done by time the child is starting first grade. It should taper
off and stop when the child is between the ages of 10-12.
• Spanking should begin and be reserved for the times when children express willful, defiant
disrespect, disobedience or rebellion: “I will not!”
“No!” “You shut up!”
“I hate you!”
o Spanking should not be administered for mistakes or acts of irresponsibility; it is reserved
for acts of haughty disobedience.
o Usually necessary shortly before age 2.
o When nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between you and your child, it is not the time to
have a discussion about the value of obedience. It is not an occasion for time-out. You’ve
drawn a line in the sand, and they’ve purposefully pushed their toe across it. Who is
going to win?
o Parents must always win the early confrontations with their children, or later
confrontations will be even more difficult to win. A classic quote from Dr. Dobson is, “If
you can't make a five-year-old pick-up his toys, it is unlikely you will exercise much
control during his most defiant time of life”.
o The time to begin disarming the teen-age time-bomb is 12 years before it arrives!
• Cautions on spanking:
o Never be harsh with your children. If you’re trying to discipline out of anger you will lose
their respect and the benefit of the lesson you’re trying to teach; “I love you too much to
allow you to act like that”.
o Beating and/or abuse is not spanking. If you’re lashing out in anger, it is not a spanking!
o Be sure you’re in complete control of your emotions and only apply enough force so that
the child understands that it would be better to comply with the rules of the home.
• Summary statement, When you are definitely challenged, win decisively. When the child asks,
"Who's in charge? " tell him. When he mutters, "Who loves me? " take him in your arms and
surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same from him.
Then begin to enjoy the sweet benefits of competent parenthood.
2. The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after a disciplinary event.
Nothing brings a parent and child closer together than for the mother or father to win decisively after
being defiantly challenged. After emotional ventilation, the child will often want to crumple to the breast
of his parent, and he should be welcomed with open, warm, loving arms. At that moment you can talk
heart to heart. You can tell him how much you love him, and how important he is to you. You can explain
why he was disciplined and how he can avoid the difficulty next time.
This kind of communication is often impossible if the child is resentful for being put in a comer.
3. Control without nagging.
Nagging is the result of poor follow through, not having a system of discipline, and lack of consistency. It
quickly becomes a bad habit. Parents resort to using anger to get action, rather than using action to get
action. It isn’t effective.
• Empty threats create unnecessary frustration in a household:
o When parents wants something accomplished, they progress through graduated steps of
phony anger, beginning with calm and ending with a red flush and a threat.
o Children realize that they don’t really need to obey until the flash-point is near.
o Since empty threats are used to control the child, the parent has to get mad frequently! The
relationship is contaminated and each day is ended with a terrible headache. The parent
can never count on instant obedience because it takes time to work up a believable amount
of anger.
o How much better to explain the concept of obeying the first time, and then explain the
negative consequence(s) for disobeying, and then following through with stated discipline.
After just a few such instances of calm, actionable discipline, the child will respond
immediately rather than waiting for escalation.
o Never underestimate a child’s awareness that he is breaking the rules. Consider why they
respond differently to different parents/adults. They know exactly what each one’s
tolerance level is.
Discipline Vs. Punishment
Discipline:
Punishment:
Logically connected to the misbehavior
Arbitrary retaliation for misbehavior
Intended to teach responsible behavior
Intended to teach blindly obedient behavior
Administered in a firm and calm manner
Often delivered in an atmosphere of anger and
resentment
Applied respectfully
Dished out Disrespectfully
Allow the child to participate
Dictated by the authority
THE SCIENCE AND STATISTICS BEHIND SPANKING…the following excerpts are taken from the
Akron Law Review, Vol. 42, No. 243, 2009. This is a 76 page law review. About ¾ of it is foot-notes detailing the
various research which supports spanking. To download the full review, go to:
http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1357669 and then click on “Download”… towards the top of
the page.
THE SCIENCE AND STATISTICS BEHIND SPANKING SUGGEST THAT LAWS ALLOWING
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT ARE IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD
In 1979, Sweden started an international trend by becoming the first country to ban spanking. While
such lawmaking may seem harmless, even commendable, the empirical data indicate that a spanking
ban is a grave mistake. With spanking bans have come increased rates of child abuse, aggressive
parenting, and youth violence.
Indeed, criminal records suggest that children raised under a spanking
12
ban are much more likely to be involved in crime than other children. This makes sense. To function well
in society, children need to learn that misbehavior has negative consequences.
#12. (collectively showing the rates of indoor abuses when the perpetrator personally knows the child 0-6
years old rising every year, from 99 in 1981 to 583 in1994). Sweden’s rate of juvenile assaults has risen
more than seven times since the spanking ban in 1979.
Yet many people want to deprive children of spanking, even though the most sound research suggests it
is not harmful, and is often more helpful than other common discipline methods.
On average, spanking
17
seems to reduce aggression, defiance, and antisocial behavior better than mental punishments like
timeout, reasoning, privilege removal, threats, verbal power assertion, ignoring, love withdrawal, or
diverting.
18
#17. See, e.g., Larzelere, Meta-Analysis, supra note 15, at 4 (surveying every child discipline study
between 1979 and 2005 that analyzed: (1) spanking and at least one mental discipline tactic using similar
research methods; (2) children that were, on average, less than thirteen years old when disciplined; and
(3) at least one child outcome. This meta-analysis compares outcomes of physical and mental discipline
methods, and finds that outcomes rarely favor mental discipline methods, whereas customary spanking
typically reduces noncompliance or antisocial behavior more than mental discipline methods);
#18. See, e.g., Larzelere, Meta-Analysis, supra note 15, at 20 tbl. IV, 22 tbl. V, 24 tbl. VI (showing
spanking to be better at controlling aggression than mental punishments like timeout, reasoning, scolding,
“non-contact” punishment, privilege removal, love withdrawal, or diverting. Also showing that calm and
controlled spanking and spanking in response to defiance is uniformly more beneficial than other
punishments);
The Law of Reinforcement, “Behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur.”
(this is not used to combat defiance, but rather to increase your child’s level of responsibility)
Specific Principles to maximize the benefit of this Law:
1. Rewards must be granted immediately.
• Children have neither the mental capacity nor the maturity to keep a long-range goal in mind.
• Parents complain about lack of industriousness in children, without recognizing that this is a
learned behavior. The child repeats the behavior which he considers to have been successful.
• A child may be cooperative and helpful because he enjoys the effect it has on his parents.
Another may sulk and pout for the same reason.
Chore Chart (beginning around age 4, but can be modified for increased age or maturity).
a. Create a chart with responsibilities/behaviors you want to instill.
b. Immediate Reinforcement is Key. Each evening colored dots or stars should be placed
by the responsibilities/behaviors that were done satisfactorily.
c. A penny/nickel should also be given for each item done satisfactorily in the day; if more
than 3 items are missed in one day, no pennies/nickels should be given.
d. Begin teaching financial stewardship. Give a tithe/offering. Savings. Spending money.
e. Once child masters a chore/behavior, remove it and add something else.
f. Suggested “Chores/Responsibilities/Behaviors”:
• Brush teeth without being told
• Straitened room before bedtime
• Picked up clothes without being told
• Emptied trash without being told
• Minded Mommy today
• Minded Daddy today
• Said my prayers tonight
• Was kind to my brother/sister today
• Took my vitamin
• Said “Thank you” and “Please” today
• Went to bed last night without complaining
• Gave clean water to dog today
• Washed my hands and came to the table when called
Read p. 57
Specific Principles to maximize the benefit of the Law of Reinforcement (continued):
2. Rewards need not be material in nature.
• Children and adults of all ages seek constant satisfaction of their emotional needs,
including the desire for love, social acceptance and self respect. Additionally they hope to
find excitement, intellectual stimulation, entertainment and pleasure.
• Verbal reinforcement should permeate the entire parent-child relationship. Too often are
communication is comprised of “don’ts”. We should spend more time rewarding them for
the behavior we do admire…even if the reward is nothing more than a sincere
compliment. Make sure it is specific, warranted praise, not generalized flattery.
3. Any behavior which is learned through reinforcement can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long
enough.
• Fact: Unreinforced behavior will eventually disappear. This is called Extinction.
• Examples: Walleye in tank with minnows separated by glass panel. Elephant restrained
by small rope and thin stake.
• Why does a child whine instead of speaking normally? Because parents have reinforced
whining! As long as child talks in normal voice, they’re ignored. When they switch to the
grating, irritating, whining voice we tune back in to see what is wrong. Their whining
voice gets results. Their normal voice doesn’t. We’ve just created a whiner!
• To extinguish the whining, you just reverse the reinforcement. “I’m not going to listen
when you’re whining. When you call me politely, in a nice voice, that is when I listen”.
Give immediate attention when the they talk normally, and absolutely ignore them when
they whine. The desirable consequences will recur.
• Children can be taught to overcome (Extinction) their fear of the dark by positive
reinforcement. Use candy for incrementally longer periods of time spent in a dark
bedroom by themselves with you standing immediately outside of the room and the door
initially open. Begin with 2 seconds and gradually increase as appropriate.
4. Parents & Teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement.
• How do children act when they want something from you?
• Father has a low frustration tolerance for his children. When they fall short he yells at
them, which seems to make them mind. He has been reinforced for his screaming and
becomes a loud, aggressive parent.
• Be aware of your own reaction to reinforcement, and make be in control of this tool.
5. Parents often reinforce undesirable behavior and weaken the behavior(s) they value.
• It is remarkable easy to reward undesirable behavior by allowing it to succeed.
• If child always cries at dinner and guests are coming, you may ignore it initially, but he
knows you’ll give in if he gets loud enough. He’s learned that he has to cry LOUDLY to
get what he wants.
• For tough decisions, Sally’s mom always initially says “No”…in order to buy her some
time to actually think about the request. However, Sally’s daughter knows that “No”
doesn’t really mean “No”. It actually means, “Maybe”. So, the harder she argues and
complains, the more likely she is to turn that “No” into a “Yes”. Sally has taught her
daughter that arguing, sulking, pouting, door-slamming and bargaining are beneficial.
Don’t take a stand on an issue until you’ve thought it out. Then stand firm!
Once the child/teen learns that “No” means “No”, less time will be spent arguing.
• If a baby is quickly picked up each time they cry, they learn the connection between tears
and adult attention.
If necessary, wait outside the door of their room until they quit crying before
entering. This reinforces the pauses rather than the crying.

Download Family Home Rules Contract Template

399 times
Rate
4.7(4.7 / 5) 24 votes
ADVERTISEMENT
Page of 9